i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
