seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
