u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
