Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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