why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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