we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
