mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
