I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
this boner is exhausting
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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