Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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