If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
