see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
