I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
