i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
