i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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