tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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