Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
