best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize