I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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