remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
