Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
