Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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