How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
