It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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