God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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