Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
