she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
