fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
