i was born a porn star she said
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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