She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
