Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
