oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
