my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
