You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
