Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
