Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
