I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
