OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
