What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
