Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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