I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
