the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
