the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize