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Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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