Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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