who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
