ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish you could order shots online.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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