I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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