i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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