I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
