broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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