If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
