he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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