i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
