I want to make a zoo with you.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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