he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
