i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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