I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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