Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
