My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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