By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
