Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
