Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
