You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
