Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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