I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
