he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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