Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
